The stories that will eventually make your eyes/ears bleed

As with any major sporting event, the Kentucky Derby is reported on ad nauseum, for weeks at a time, even when nothing (really) is going on. And since, as a whole, the mainstream media types don't take those of us who consume such inanity for a very discerning lot (and also since most of those media types are also too lazy or gutless to come up with original stories), there's a strong unspoken effort to fit all information regarding said event into a cozy set of narratives. I know I'm not breaking any ground here, but I felt compelled to bring this up, because with so-called "niche" sports, like tennis, golf and horse racing, the compressed and repetitive coverage can get borderline insulting. While there's certainly a large group of talented and informed racing writers, in the weeks leading up to the Derby, every clown who overheard something about Bellamy Road needing the lead or Curlin being inexperienced declares themselves qualified to opine on shit that the thoughtful racing fans have likely moved on from discussing a while ago.

So, with that inevitability looming, here are the Derby "angles" that will slowly beat the life out of you in the next 19 days. And yes, I realize that it seems like I'm just adding (in some small way) to the perpetuation of these overblown stories, but bear with me. I'm going to answer every storyline with a concise and obnoxiously matter-of-fact rebuttal, then vow not to give them any significant space on here again. That'll show those media types. The first three stories are already being done to death, the rest are ones that I think are bubbling under, not quite ripe enough yet for overwhelming repetition.

1.) Is Big Brown too inexperienced to win the Derby?
No. He might be too immature to win the Derby, but he's not too inexperienced. Curlin didn't lose last year because he only had three starts. He lost because the two horses that beat him had dream trips, and he didn't have enough speed to get a better trip. Big Brown is super fast, and barring a terrible draw, he'll work out a cleaner trip than Curlin did. If he loses, it'll be because he went batshit in the paddock or because he drifted out or because he got spent up front.

2.) What is Pyro's dud in the Blue Grass worth?
Nothing. Next.

3.) Can Colonel John run on dirt?
Who the fuck knows? Stop asking me this question. Cushion Track appears to be way more similar to dirt than Polytrack, Tiznow throws dirt runners and going synthetic to dirt is probably way easier than doing the opposite. I say he'll handle it fine, but what the hell do I know? It's a guess by anyone until April 28, circa when he'll work at Churchill. Must we focus on guesswork for the next two weeks?

4.) What to make of the Wood?
Not much. War Pass proved once again that he can't rate, making him a throwout for the Derby, Tale of Ekati ran well considering how Prado moved him into the teeth of a wicked pace. The fact remains that the time was slow though, and it's tough to endorse any of the Wood horses going ten panels when they finished their final prep in :40.86. Oh, Court Vision is a rat. That we learned.

5.) Are Pletcher's pair any good?
It would be hypocritical of me to definitively say no because they ran slowly on polytrack, considering that I'm tossing Pyro's race. They're not hopeless, but they're close.

6.) Is Z Fortune Asmussen's best shot?
No. Stop trying to be cute, indefinite future column writer.

7.) Gayego's Arkansas Derby proves that the west coast horses are for real.
I disagree. I think that Gayego rode a speed-biased track to an inflated-figure victory. Each California horse's chances must be dissected individually. For example: Colonel John has a big shot, Bob Black Jack has no shot. See, that was easy!

8.) This is a bad crop of three-year-olds.
Thanks a lot Woodward. Must have done a lot of research to come up with that earth-shattering paradigm.

9.) There will be a fast pace in the Derby.
See above.

10.) [Insert hopeless longshot] will win the Derby.
This is a Vic Zeigel special. Stop it. The only reason you're saying that is because if the horse manages to win the Derby and pay $80, you can crow about it for the next 20 years, and if the horse runs up the track, you can dismiss it by saying "oh well, I'm not a racing writer anyway!" It's a no-lose situation for the uninformed mainstream columnist.

There we go. Another obligatory rant out of the way, and now we can get back to the infinite many more interesting and relevant Derby conundrums.